Self esteem,
Self pride,
Self worth ,
The importance of loving thy self. Accepting thy self.
Overworking myself, i started forgetting me.
I was more focused on becoming her....
Her! The girl i want to be in future.
Balancing between online and offline life,I had no life in between.
07am - 9pm daily of the day job, 10pm to 5am of online work/ reading, 2 days a week of radio.... To me it seemed normal. I mean, its no sweet without sweat right? But then again,if only the hours applied ,paid as much.
My social life was between my diary and I, sharing my thoughts on paper ,as i suffered the feeling of being alone though with so many around .
So many around yet no one to talk to.
The fear of not being able to be like the August i so tirelessly try to build.
That thought, that there is what caused me stress.
Focusing more on my ambitions and not on my own self ....
I watched him slip away but not bothered by emotions ,the moment passed like it wasn't there.
I watched my friendships close, as i was nolonger the cheerful friendly me... Even family couldn't understand me.
I couldn't understand me.
Without realizing, my body started to shrink, my mirror deceived me daily as i saw the same "good looking sexy" me as always.
Slowly people started to ask but i paid no mind.
Comments on social media changed ....
The emphasise was too much to ignore but i just didn't get it.
I mean,how would i forget to eat. How would i ,the foodie not make even a bowl of noodles?
How did i get there?
How did i manage staying 72-120 hours awake ,working and with no food or water .
Not that there was non, I had enough...
Sleep was a struggle ,I had nightmares ,I was seeing things, I was hearing things....I couldnt close my eyes.
My therapist was patient, but me .. I wasn't ready to deal with my issues.
I missed sessions,
I missed his calls,
I gave up....
I hated me. I hated what i became of me.
Buried online, pretending all is okay .. I watched myself slowly die .
Passing out became normal.
I always woke up eventually..lol.
Hopeless as everything that defined me fell apart. It was meaningless to be hopeful.
Medical reports said i was malnourished, Funny .
"At my age? Malnutrition? Aren't those diseases for the ..... Omg! It's really real"
The shame. The shame!!!
The agony,
The pain when someone asks for my "weight loss diet plan"
I kept calm.
Tortured mentally by the demons that act the scary scenes in night mares,the voices of those i couldn't see ,the shadows and shades of people flashing quickly in day light ....
Who am i????
Meditations ,Prayer.... Nothing was healing me ,forgetting that it is a psychological thing.
I had completely fallen apart.
I needed time away,alone....My rehab started with me accepting reality, remembering that patience is a virtue and that am no superwoman.
As i bungee slid, i slid off the negative vibe and crossed the gorge to me starting over.
No moment lasts forever #ThisTooShallPass
#MentalHealth #Ruddietude
