"facing my fears"

In my sleep i startle , i startle because am filled with fear . Fear that came as a result of being countlessly hit by he that i had put my trust in, he that i gave my heart to, he that i gave my time and shared it with him like it was ours because he was to me everything that i was never to him.
He told me he loves me .
"love" , the word that gets the average girl sprung , the word that is the reason of our weakness , weakness of emotions because we all want to feel loved , we want to be told we are loved , that sense of belonging we all yearn for.

I felt protected because to me he was that manly figure i needed , to hold me and to always be at my defense, i was so blinded by
what i thought was love , i never saw the monster eyes in him . I was too obsessed with the cinderella fairy tale ,i could not see that the signs of being in the hands of the big bad wolf.
The first time it happened , i cried, we both cried , he said he was sorry and that he would never touch me like that ever. i believed him ... because 'i loved him'.
And then again , and this time i blamed myself because i thought it was as a result of my never ending talking whenever we argue.
And then again, and again, and again and again.... i lost count, i got used to being hit that it was just an act like any other. I allowed him that privilege of abusing me . Not because i wanted to but because i felt he had a right to that even the voices of my friends advice were unheard .
I turned to alcohol and cigarettes as an escape and so that became the new me, that was my new identity "the girl that gets hit but still goes back to him" . I chose to isolate myself from everybody ,from friends because the stigma that comes with being in an abusive relationship is unbearable .
With dark makeup i covered my bruised face, and played sad music, drunk as much and the relationship between Dunhill and I got tighter.
My dignity was stripped off as i was the laughing stalk , and my aim to prove them wrong was just another trap as the longer i stayed, the worse it became until one night , i just got up ,without looking back , i chose to face my fears.
The nightmares of him coming for me tormented every night as i carried this burden alone , in my sleep i continue to startle as a result of that fear, the fear i hope will one day just cease .

#Ruddietude . #GenderBasedViolence #CryOfAWoman

just randomly thinking

Its always a story until it happens to you.

The best story teller is she with the experience , but then again If only it was easy to share the story .
The thought of how many lives can be saved with the stories that we choose to keep to ourselves.
 Because we feel ashamed, ashamed in fear of society snd it's views over us, forgetting that we are slowly killing ourselves.
The torture and emotional trauma, the mental stress of having to deal with the predicament alone because even those that say will be there for you aren't there when the battle of guilt kicks in.
The lessons taught by our parents installed fear and not respect. The fear of what will they do to me if I tell them what has been done to me
"Oh mum, I wish I could share everything with you" is every girl in trouble's cry.
But then again we cannot blame our parents, they do what they think is right.

Back to the matter ,
 our helpless cries and infliction of guilt with the memory being a lifetime one, of either rape or abortion as a result of having an unwanted pregnancy .
Imagine if we had someone to talk to, someone that would not judge us but help us through.
Tradition and cultural and gender issues really are a factor to tackle ....

To be continued........
#Ruddietude

the pain lies within #repostFrom2013

 

Once upon a time I knew happiness , 
But one way or another it was replaced by bitterness, 
I lost touch with all & now am filled with emptiness .... 
Empty because all that I was , am not anymore
Can hardly recognize myself . 
My mindset is all about what I wish would be 
Things I dream but never see
Shattered life,shattered dreams, shattered me..... 
Call me the living dead 
To me life is just a figment in the human head
..And everyday I wish it would come to and end....... 
Its pointless, meaningless .... 
:( I been robbed off my dignity 
They stripped me off and took away my virginity
My innocence gone and them demons him my divinity 
Got possessed and lost touch of reality
They defiled me physically & emotionally 
Weakened me mentally 
Tormented me spiritually .... 
... Shut me up and told me if I tell I die ! But seriously nigger, you damn killed me already! 

#Ruddietude @RuddieZambia @MarthaNakazwe

#EmotionlessEmotions

Emotionally , I was wounded.....
The wound never healed, the wound never got dry, the wound stayed fresh like it was yesterday.
But yesterday is gone , and even if I still feel the same, the same pain, the same strain... my tears rolling down like the first rains. Heavy, yet silent with no thunder but my heart does feel like thunder with warnings of a much greater storm.
My adrenaline rush has zero chill , zero chill because my sensitivity levels have no chill , no chill because the negative forces surrounding me are way beyond me.
I can't elaborate what they make me see, my dreams are like a revelation of what will soon be ...
My instincts are as accurate as Paul the octopus, never lie , I convince myself that "this too shall pass" , it always does . I have Jesus , I have yoga meditations.
My mind has been influenced by my experiences, hence my belief in killing characters and pretending they never existed working better than the thought of having to face the reality of losing someone and seeing them with another woman .
My necrophobia allows the possibility of my beliefs become my reality as I am weak mourner.
The piercings and tattoos are a reminder that pain is temporal, endurable and just a feeling like any other. Pain is sweet, it is justified by the fact that it does heal.
 Love on the other hand is a feeling I blocked through the bandages of the wounds that don't want to heal , am not complaining I do enjoy the thrill, I enjoy what I feel.


#Ruddietude