loss of self

Self confidence,
Self esteem,
Self pride,
Self worth ,
The importance of loving thy self. Accepting thy self.

Overworking myself, i started forgetting me.
I was more focused on becoming her....
Her! The girl i want to be in future.
Balancing between online and offline life,I had no life in between.

07am - 9pm daily of the day job, 10pm to 5am of online work/ reading, 2 days a week of radio.... To me it seemed normal. I mean, its no sweet without sweat right? But then again,if only the hours applied ,paid as much.

My social life was between my diary and I, sharing my thoughts on paper ,as i suffered the feeling of being alone though with so many around .
So many around yet no one to talk to.

The fear of not being able to be like the August i so tirelessly try to build.
That thought, that there is what caused me stress.

Focusing more on my ambitions and not on my own self ....
I watched him slip away but not bothered by emotions ,the moment passed like it wasn't there.
I watched my friendships close, as i was nolonger the cheerful friendly me... Even family couldn't understand me.
I couldn't understand me.

Without realizing, my body started to shrink, my mirror deceived me daily as i saw the same "good looking sexy" me as always.
Slowly people started to ask but i paid no mind.
Comments on social media changed ....
The emphasise was too much to ignore but i just didn't get it.

I mean,how would i forget to eat. How would i ,the foodie not make even a bowl of noodles?
How did i get there?
How did i manage staying 72-120 hours awake ,working and with no food or water .
Not that there was non, I had enough...

Sleep was a struggle ,I had nightmares ,I was seeing things, I was hearing things....I couldnt close my eyes.

My therapist was patient, but me .. I wasn't ready to deal with my issues.
I missed sessions,
I missed his calls,
I gave up....

I hated me. I hated what i became of me.
Buried online, pretending all is okay .. I watched myself slowly die .
Passing out became normal.
I always woke up eventually..lol.
Hopeless as everything that defined me fell apart. It was meaningless to be hopeful.
Medical reports said i was malnourished, Funny .
"At my age? Malnutrition? Aren't those diseases for the ..... Omg! It's really real"

The shame. The shame!!!
The agony,
The pain when someone asks for my "weight loss diet plan"
I kept calm.

Tortured mentally by the demons that act the scary scenes in night mares,the voices of those i couldn't see ,the shadows and shades of people flashing quickly in day light ....

Who am i????

Meditations ,Prayer.... Nothing was healing me ,forgetting that it is a psychological thing.
I had completely fallen apart.

I needed time away,alone....My rehab started with me accepting reality, remembering that patience is a virtue and that am no superwoman.
As i bungee slid, i slid off the negative vibe and crossed the gorge to me starting over.

No moment lasts forever #ThisTooShallPass

#MentalHealth #Ruddietude

#EmotionlessEmotions Part III

In fear of repeated occurances , I decided to stay away.
Away from any compromising situations...
Situations that would make me slip off again.

I easily get attached
I easily slip off ...
My attention is easily drawn by the person that manages to get it .

My weakness, I lay my eggs only in one basket.
Unfortunately it always drops and i lose all my eggs.

Well...  Lost eggs sometimes are lost because they rot right?

The thought of facing the fear of repeated occurances does seem scary, But worth the try.

Worth the try because the person is worth risking it on...
"Risks" ! Am already getting goose bumps because all this is new....

.....

To be continued...

#Ruddietude #EmotionlessEmotions

#EmotionlessEmotions PartII

..... Dear diary 19.02.16

Random thoughts, But not random influence.
Influence originating from what's around me.

The energy is familiar,nothing new .
The feeling on the other hand is not familiar.
Is it me ? Is it my mind?

The realities i avoid ,but subconsciously i face .
I mean i face the fear of my reality .
My anxiety, my adreanaline.
My mind, my thoughts ...

I meditate daily, i find peace.
I pray daily, i find comfort.

 But ,my weakness is i do not know how not to worry about the tomorrow i do not want to come.
I do not wish for this moment to last forever.
I wish for us to last forever.

Yes. Us!
You.
Me.
Us..... Baby, Us!

The thrill,
The desire,
The time .... Limited time,
The excitement .

You are my favourite drug.
That illegal drug.
I sneak around just to get it.
Expensive, yet keeps me going.

Consciously ,Subconsciously ..... Whatever. My adreanaline is as active.
My fears, My anxiety.

I pray ,I find happiness.
I meditate and keep calm.

Above all , I am happy.
Happy because "Us" makes me happy.
The thrill is addictively sweet.


#Ruddietude
#ThisTooShallPass

How to overcome the fear of #Failure in a start up Business

 Negative energy's such as the  #FearOfFailure can affect any start up #business as it will influence and affect your confident levels .

Overcoming the fear of failure may seem impossible but i believe the best way to overcome it is by KEEPING YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE!
Yes, the Prize , the very thing that you want to achieve so badly  , the same thing that prompted you to get up and start that buiness .

Entrepreneurship is not as easy as it seems. The sacrifices it comes with are so many. Time is never enough, Finances are not always accessible and if not careful ,it may lead to debt. Friends and Family don't always understand your dream and hence their support sometimes is insuffient which may also contribute to the thoughts of failing as you feel less people believe your your future success .

* Like I said "Keep your eyes on the prize" ,Your success does not depend on how many believe in you ,it is totally dependant on how you overcome the negative energy's that surround you.

Besides, the hardest part of starting your own business is the beginning and the fact that you have already started is a big step .

#entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #business #fearOfFailure #Ruddietude

Daddy ... Oh Daddy

So yesterday i spent my day traveling ,10 hour bus ride was heaven to me as i had a whole bunch of mixed emotions that i wasn't ready to express and i found peace as i looked out the window ,seeing endless bushes ,with the clouds dark as the rains poured the whole way through ..

Oh daddy...... Daddy!  Dadddddddddy! Its now 15 years and I still miss you the same, maybe even more now as i grow up and wish i had a second opinion, Your opinion not just everybody else as I transition into the lady am becoming. "What would he say? what would he think?  " I always ask myself.

Everyday i hear stories of "daddy's" that live their children, some that deny responsibilities , others are around but too busy to notice their children ... And i ask God why he lets the mean ones live ,and you that had time for us die...

Daddy, in this world full of the scornful ,full of people that pretend to love us, yet all they want is to use us... Who will protect me? I thought daddy's are there to be our "super hero's" , I wish i had my super hero everyday as i face the challenge of having to deal with wolves in sheep clothing.

I accepted that you are gone ,gone for good but my grief of loss is persistant as it pops up randomly . But today, i feel even more grieved as I am at a stage in life where am battling with decisions that will affect my future in a good or bad way depending on the path i'll take.
Am scared, fearful but i represent you ,i carry your name "Nakazwe" with pride For in me they see you.
I try to be strong, but sometimes being strong makes so weak.....

"August" Impressive and Respected , i choose to represent you that way . And overcome failure, as you said "My daughters will never be vulnaurable" and yes I choose to stand firm.

Daddy ,Ngolwe Sikazwe continue to rest in peace as your memory lives on here on earth .

29 January 2001 ....  You went too early.

#Ruddietude #ThisTooShallPass

Importance of interacting with your clientele #SocialMedia

I don't like refering to myself as  a #Tweeleb "Twitter Celeb" , though thats a term that we get refered to as when you are super active and have a good following , but then again not like i even have a good following yet. lol, I still have a long way to go.

Living my life on twitter and basically tweeting everything i do, eat , drink , watch and also mention people am with is  lifestyle i adopted due to my twitter addiction and due to my consistency i realized i was drawing some attention and also influencing some followers with my tweets and with that some people would ask me to tweet for them ,share links , posts and so on.
Without realizing ,i was offering free marketing services until one day early 2014, I got an email from Ground Focus to help hype premier the Dstv lifestyle show "Kumwesu"  season 2 on social media .There and then i realised my audience was bigger than i thought.
In the same year, (september 2014) while "twatching" ,watching tv and tweeting every channel i was tuning into ,i got a DM from DSTV awarding me a shopping voucher because they thought i was amazing and that taught me my second lesson "they want me to keep watching dstv and indirectly marketing for them hence the awarding of incentives to loyal viewers" .

I can go all day naming the "freebies" i've received off social media without having to compete for them but thats besides my reason of writing today.
Social Media Marketing is the quickest and easiest way of reaching out to your audience and clientele regardless of what sector in society you represent whether Creative arts or  Corporate as the internet is the fastest growing "planet"  such that brand owners ,company's and individuals are seeing the need to use this modern form of marketing for a bigger reach to generate high profits ,sales and also get direct feedback ,opinions and views from clients and audience online .

As a practicing Social Media Marketing and online Business development Consultant i have come to understand the importance of knowing your target audience and understanding the need to keep them enganged and loyal to your products and services as there is always something better out there .
Interacting with your clientele and audience will not only make them fall inlove with your brand but will keep them loyal as everybody ,everyone in business wants to feel important and with no questions asked, your consumers,audience and clientele needs to feel as important .


#SocialMedia #SocialMediaMarketing #Marketing #Ruddietude

"baby, I want some"

You know those moments when you see a guy and instantly crush on him but can't openly tell him because "you are a girl, girls don't step up to a guy and express their feelings". The awkwardness though! In my case ,i came across this guy during 2014 Bigbrother Africa Auditions that i thought was hot and my friend Tanny convinced me to tell him and so I did and right there we got into a conversation and forgot about the awkward moment of me having made the first move. The act itself made me feel good about myself and boosted my selfesteem of being able to freely express myself even towards the opposite sex with no fear and it got me thinking , how did the guy feel? was his esteem degraded? did he wish he approached me first?

 It comes back to couples, how many ladies freely speak out and tell their Men that "they want some" without the thought of having to wonder whether or not he'll think she's just a horny freak. Are we just going to continue to die inside because of tradional or cultural values?

What about our personal values? How come the guys are naturally confident ? What boosts their ego because i believe in equality and freedom of expression in whatever way without fear or limitation regardless of gender . What if the man is not delivering to the womans expectation? How will he know if he is not overuled or criticized?

 #Ruddietude #GenderEquality #Feminist #Feminism #BlackOfSteel